New year always brings happines for people because people wish something better in this new year. But for me this new year feels so different. I have more fear than joy inside my heart even though last year I was really excited to live my life. I made goal in every part of my life and I tried so hard to do that. I can say that last year is the most productive year in my life. I feel satisfied, I feel that I grow and I can achieve many things. But 3 month before we end the year, I got sick (I can't tell about my illness specifically for now).
My illness makes me weak and changes me alot. I am a perfectionist person. I used to think and plan everything and make sure it will goes well. But when what I planned didn't happen I feel so disappointed and keep blaming myself. That's why my illness became worse. Three months before the new year were my dark season. I could't thing about my future with this illness, how could I live, I felt alone and nobody undestands me.
I Found Hope
Entering this year 2020 some people encourage me and I found hope. I believe it's not the end of my life by having this illness. There are many things that I can't change in this life, but I can change my life by choose what I think, what I feel and what I do. Since that moment, I became a person who more flexible. I don't have so many goals for this year, I just want to focus on my health. Now I didn't really straight on my plan, I just want to enjoy what I do and not to be stress too much.
But sometimes I feel guilty because I feel by changing myself like this I become a weak person, I decrease my quality. But Someday I talked to my doctor about this and he said "that's something good. it means you start adapting to your illness. Not many people were able to do that. when they knew they have that illness they lost hope, give up and never be heal. But you're different, you know you have that illness but you didn't give up, you start adapting".
His words made me understand what's the meaning of become a strong person. For me,
strong is when we have ability to change again and again, to adapt in every circumtance we face. It means remain flexible if we want to survive in this life
By keep adapting I become unstoppable.
This year I start a new step to live this life differently. I don't care if people say I am weak or I am not consistent. I will try to just relax, enjoy every single day, being adaptive when something happen.
be adaptive to survive
I wish what I share today will bless you. Everything in your life, no matter how difficult or hurt, don't stop, don't give up, keep changing, be adaptive and remain flexible to survive.
Photographs by Aubrey.